Death

   My former EMT partner, Rusty passed on this week and I am having a difficult time dealing with it. This frustrates me because I've experienced death before and my faith and beliefs tell me that death is not really the end.
   Nonetheless, I am heart broken.
   There is only one thing in life that is certain and that is death and yet none of us really prepare ourselves for the inevitable. I am guilty of that. I am guilty of not dealing with the lose of a loved one and instead just pushing the thoughts and pain aside.
   My beliefs tell me that death isn't really the end. I've seen death as a blessing to suffering. My Grandpa died after battling cancer for years. I remember that last time I saw him, standing in the corner of his hospital room watching him fight for every breath he took, quietly thinking, "Just let go, Grandpa. It's ok. Please stop doing this to yourself." Even though I was relieved that he wasn't suffering anymore, it took me years to get over his passing. But now, I feel him around and I know he is happy and free.
   As an EMT, I learned that death comes when it wants to and when it comes, there is nothing that you are taught in a classroom to stop it. One night, my partner and I were called to a house to pick up a young man that had been drinking all night and had suffered a beating from a "friend". I guided him into the back of the ambulance and we drove off to the hospital. He looked banged up, but his vitals were fine and he didn't seem to bad. I was asking him questions and writing up my report when he grabbed my arm and told me that he was dying. It startled me for a moment so I rechecked him. He still seemed fine so I told him that it was just the alcohol talking and he was going to be fine. I wheeled him into a hospital room and left him with a couple of nurses. A few hours later, our supervisor told us that he had a brain bleed and died. I asked my partner if it was my fault, after all he told me he was dying. My partner just shook his head and said there was nothing either of us could do and I should just forget about it. I never forgot about it, but I don't beat myself up over it anymore. When it is your time, nothing will stop it.
   So I have beaten myself up because I know Rusty is somewhere that is alot better than here and I know he is around, looking after all that he loved. And I accept that this was Rusty's time and it is silly of me to expect him to live forever in this world.
   And I realize that my heart is broken because my relationship with Rusty as we knew it is gone. No longer will his name come up on my phone screen. No longer will we make plans of meeting for lunch. No longer will I try to hug him only for him to start yelling that we don't hug.
   Death ends things as we know it but it doesn't take that person from your heart, it just changes the relationship.