I Should Be Worried

I was driving up my washed out driveway to my house that the Sheriff is auctioning off Tuesday and the car slid creating a big thud in the front of the car. My boys and I finally got to the top to find all my transmission fluid covering the rocks and mud.
I hurriedly crawled under the car to find a hole in the bottom of my transmission pan.
"It's ok. I can fix it!" I hollered to my worried middle son.
The boys walked into the house and I stood outside, in silence to collect my thoughts. Instead of the usual thoughts one would think in this situation, I thought of gratitude.
Thank God, I know how to fix my car's damage.
Thank God, it wasn't worse.
I thought of the fact that I would be spending most of my weekend under my car. To be honest, I love working on my car and I find myself working on it often. My Dad once suggested I open my own Chevy Cavalier repair shop.
I walked into my house thinking things can be rough but I was at peace knowing I would walk out of this with a sense of gratitude and empowerment.

A Poem Of Me

I saw her first
That cool Fall day
She was taller and much older.

Her hair
tainted in golds
Danced in the nonexistent winds.

She stood in a way
That transformed  her scars
Into grace.

Her long coat
Whipped against her energy
That contained strength and love.

She couldn't help but laugh
As I stop suddenly
With disbelief.

And she teases
Don't be silly
You are me.

Time

Running out of time
It's time to go
Not enough time
Time heals all wounds
Time stood still
Give it time
It's about time

I am no friend of Time. It's contradictory and inconsistent. I struggle with it regularly and yet I find myself using it as the foundation of my life.
I look back on my mornings thinking I should've done more in my time. I give myself deadlines and restrictions with my time, only to fail. I think and some times verbalize that I have had forty one years of time and I should've spent it better.
Time doesn't exist. Time does not matter. You are only promised this one moment in your life as you sit here reading this. Who cares about time? Just sit back and live this moment and live it good.
Life is not about time. It's about all those moments you were promised all combined to create your life.

Fellow Warriors

I was told that my baby had a chromosome disorder due to his many birth defects, the doctors just didn't know what it was. I started out wishing he didn't but as time wore on, I hoped I could find out what he had so I could have answers to his issues and knowledge of what medical/mental situations that may arise later in life.

After testing for two years, I found myself in a room with a genetic doctor who sympathetically broke the news to me.

"Your son has a microdeletion on his sixteenth chromosome. 16p11.2. The problem we have now is there are only a handful of cases in the world with your son's deletion. He would be a good candidate for research." The doctor said as he put his arm on my shoulder and instructed me to keep in touch with him in hopes that he may find more information on my son.

I drove the two hours from the hospital to my home crying. I finally had a name to his condition and yet I still had no answers. It wasn't fair. I was just as lost as I was when I walked into the doctor's office.

I drowned myself in research, trying to find answers only to come up empty. I was in a bad place mentally and emotionally.

I do not remember how our paths crossed, but I found a fellow Mom with a child that had the same deletion.  

She and I became very close, she was my kindred spirit. The Mom was more internet savvy and soon she found other Moms and she created a Facebook support group.

I found myself on the page constantly. We all had the same frustrations, fears and anger. We shared our hidden thoughts that we dared not share with the outside world. We compared our children's symptoms and challenges. We shared our joys, hopes and the powerful love we possessed with our children. We were One. We were different and yet we were the same.

I learned so much from these Moms. The knowledge of our children's conditions that we gathered would put any genetic doctor to shame. 

The group formed five years ago and it has grown to over four hundred parents. It saddens me to see new Moms joining the group. No one wants another to go through such things, but it warms my heart that the new  Moms have a place to go for help. No one should feel completely alone and lost with no answers.

When I speak to new Moms that are faced with a devastating diagnosis, I tell them do not google, seek out fellow Moms. That is where you will not only find answers, you will find love.

We Are One

Hospitals tend to treat you like cattle. They load us all up in a room and slowly call us off one by one to hand our babies over to them.
My son was in to have his cleft palate repaired. With two heart surgeries under his belt, this procedure wasn't so hard to accept.
We all handed our children over and quietly waited to be called. I noticed a mom who was alone. For whatever reason, she held my attention for a while until she moved to another area.
A surgeon entered the room and walked past me into another part of the room. I was startled to hear someone crying. I recognized that cry. I had cried it many times myself and it terrified me that a mom would be doing it out in the open.
I turned around and saw it was the mom I noticed earlier.
"Oh God, what is he telling her to make her cry like that?" I thought. I found myself walking towards her not having any idea what I was doing. All I kept thinking was she was alone.
I sat down beside her and put my hand into hers. The surgeon kept talking and the mom put her head on my shoulder as I stroked her hair.
I held her as she cried. She quieted down and we talked of hope and how she needed to be strong for her daughter. I walked her to the door and hugged. She thanked me for helping her. I told her there was no need, I had found myself alone many times when doctors tried to take my hope away. No mother should ever go through that alone.
Up until that moment, I suffered quietly. It was my own private Hell. I realized that we were all in this together and we should embrace and love one another and allow each other to help.
Since then, I have met many amazing moms along the way and I can honestly say without them I would have been lost.
I am you. You are me.

Reiki Part 3

Three years ago, I loaded my children in my car and told my husband that I couldn't live with him anymore. He had to go. He didn't help me in any way, in fact he managed to make things worse. He was too self-centered to see past his own nose. I found myself telling him daily that if he didn't want to help, at least he could stop making things worse. 

It was crazy of me to do this. I had no job. I spent all of my time dedicated to my youngest son's needs. But I knew if I stayed, I would eventually give up living. Why try to better yourself only to have someone steal it all away from you? 

I was lost and broken. I was in a state of constant panic attack. The idea that making him leave would alleviate some of my problems was quickly replaced with the realization that he dedicated his life trying to punish me for making him leave. 

I started searching. I knew I needed help for myself. I had three boys that needed their mom to be okay. I found a Reiki healer and after my session, I felt alive for the first time in my life. I found my Reiki teacher and became a Reiki healer myself. 

I started doing Reiki on my youngest son. March 2012, my son was hospitalized for septic shock, enlarged spleen and liver and he was in congestive heart failure. The doctors couldn't tell me exactly what put my son in this state, but slowly he overcame it and we were sent home. I did not allow myself to worry. I kept hope in my heart and did Reiki on him constantly. He was in a lot of pain and he would take my hand and place it on his belly and smile at me as I would allow Source to come through me to heal all that was going on. 

Two weeks later, I took my son to see his cardiologist to discuss what they were going to do about his heart issues only to find that the issues had corrected itself and we were sent home happily.

I do Reiki on myself regularly because I now know I need to be healthy and content in order to be who I need to be for my loved ones. Every morning, I send Reiki to my loved ones that I feel could use it. 

Reiki not only saved me, it gave my life a sense of purpose. 

Reiki Part 2

My youngest son had many medical diagnosis but the one that terrified me was "failure to thrive". At a year old, he only weighed twenty pounds. He couldn't sit up let alone crawl. He was fed using a feeding tube surgically placed in his tiny belly.
I desperately searched for help for him and one day I found myself in a wellness center begging the owner of the center for a magical vitamin that would help my baby.
I purchased some powders to hopefully help him build muscle and put weight on him.
As I was walking to the door to leave, a woman who worked there touched my arm and handed me her business card. Her card stated that she was a Reiki healer. She told me to call her for a session.
"Let me help you, dear." She pleaded with a kind smile.
I asked her if this Reiki could help my son.
"You are the one who needs this." She replied.
I became irritated. I didn't need help. My baby needed the help.
I thanked her and left never to return.
I was so lost back then, I didn't realize I too had the diagnosis of "failure to thrive".

How I Did It Part 1

This hospital security picture was taken of me in July 2007. My 15 months old son was flown to this hospital critically ill. The security guard wanted me to smile. As I mustered up a smile, all I could think was I didn't know if my son was alive and this man wanted me to smile. My son survived..and so did I.
This week I'm starting a series of blogs on my story of how I accomplished it all.

Giving Up

I told a dear friend of mine that some how, all the stress and crap that goes along with my path doesn't reach my space. I came feel it, hovering but it's nothing more to me than a weight floating somewhere around me.
When a new issue or feeling arises, I allow it in for a moment and then push it out, usually by finding the things I'm thankful for in those dilemmas. But lately, I've been getting slammed daily by these things and the weight is seemingly heavy.
This past Saturday, I let all the weight in. I'm a failure..I can't find the job that will continue to allow me to be there for my youngest son..I can't find a home for my children..I allow people to hurt me..I mistaken being a dreamer for being just down right delusional..
I was weighed down and I was a mess. Sunday morning, I went to church and I left feeling lighter but still so heavy.
I went home to try to busy myself and eventually gave up and plopped myself in a chair and turned on the television. I scanned the channels not really paying attention to the shows. Suddenly, the movie The Life Of Pi showed up in the menu. I remembered the day before my oldest son was watching it and he told me I should find some time to watch it. I turned to the movie and watched it as my mind carried on with my angst.
The scene came on when the main character was in the storm and he yelled up to God asking him what more did he want..he had nothing left..he surrendered. This made me sit up and pay attention to the movie.
Then the main character said this:

Even when God seemed to have abandoned me, he was watching. Even when he seemed indifferent to my suffering, he was watching. And when I was beyond all hope of saving, he gave me rest. Then he gave me a sign to continue my journey.

This was my message. This is what I needed to hear. I read it many times. I memorized it.
Sunday night, as I laid in my bed waiting for sleep, I thought this if my path. This is the life I chose. Before I lived any of my breaths, I chose them. I thought of my children and my role as their mother. Many times I've wished I could live their lives for them. I've wished that I could make their decisions to avoid pain. But it is their lives..it is their paths.
I thought of a moment when I'm hovering over my life before it happened and saying to God, I can do this one.
And it's not God's life to live, it's mine and when I need help I need to surrender and allow it to happen.
And now it's Thursday and I am finding my blessings again and my gratitude. And the weight took a walk so far away that I can't even find it.
I mentioned to my friend this thought and I said some times I wonder what the heck I was thinking choosing this difficult life. This morning, I answered that question. "Because I knew I could survive it, live it, embrace it and enjoy it with wicked delight."