Giving Up

I told a dear friend of mine that some how, all the stress and crap that goes along with my path doesn't reach my space. I came feel it, hovering but it's nothing more to me than a weight floating somewhere around me.
When a new issue or feeling arises, I allow it in for a moment and then push it out, usually by finding the things I'm thankful for in those dilemmas. But lately, I've been getting slammed daily by these things and the weight is seemingly heavy.
This past Saturday, I let all the weight in. I'm a failure..I can't find the job that will continue to allow me to be there for my youngest son..I can't find a home for my children..I allow people to hurt me..I mistaken being a dreamer for being just down right delusional..
I was weighed down and I was a mess. Sunday morning, I went to church and I left feeling lighter but still so heavy.
I went home to try to busy myself and eventually gave up and plopped myself in a chair and turned on the television. I scanned the channels not really paying attention to the shows. Suddenly, the movie The Life Of Pi showed up in the menu. I remembered the day before my oldest son was watching it and he told me I should find some time to watch it. I turned to the movie and watched it as my mind carried on with my angst.
The scene came on when the main character was in the storm and he yelled up to God asking him what more did he want..he had nothing left..he surrendered. This made me sit up and pay attention to the movie.
Then the main character said this:

Even when God seemed to have abandoned me, he was watching. Even when he seemed indifferent to my suffering, he was watching. And when I was beyond all hope of saving, he gave me rest. Then he gave me a sign to continue my journey.

This was my message. This is what I needed to hear. I read it many times. I memorized it.
Sunday night, as I laid in my bed waiting for sleep, I thought this if my path. This is the life I chose. Before I lived any of my breaths, I chose them. I thought of my children and my role as their mother. Many times I've wished I could live their lives for them. I've wished that I could make their decisions to avoid pain. But it is their lives..it is their paths.
I thought of a moment when I'm hovering over my life before it happened and saying to God, I can do this one.
And it's not God's life to live, it's mine and when I need help I need to surrender and allow it to happen.
And now it's Thursday and I am finding my blessings again and my gratitude. And the weight took a walk so far away that I can't even find it.
I mentioned to my friend this thought and I said some times I wonder what the heck I was thinking choosing this difficult life. This morning, I answered that question. "Because I knew I could survive it, live it, embrace it and enjoy it with wicked delight."