Break Ups and Rejections

My youngest son, Pants, spent the first twenty eight days of his life in the hospital. The day I was allowed to take him home, I was nervous, happy and overwhelmed. 

We were sent home with medical equipment and lists of doctor appointments. The nurse told me I had to call Pants' pediatrician because the pediatrician wouldn't let the nurse set up an appointment. 

The next day, I called the pediatrician's office. The nurse told me the doctor was not going to take my son on as a patient because his condition was too complex. This upset me, but I quietly thanked her for her time. I called my insurance company and requested a list of pediatricians and started calling. I called three or four doctors and I was rejected by every one of them. I couldn't understand why they wouldn't take Pants on as a patient. I started to feel frustrated and the tears started to flow. I calmed myself down and dialed another number. 

I got a hold of a nurse and I proceeded to tell her all of my son's diagnosis. She cut me off and told me her doctor couldn't take him on. This broke my dam of rationality. I wanted to yell at her, but I spoke loudly, 

"Look..we just spent a month in a basement of a hospital. I have doctors every where wanting a piece of my son. Why can't I find a damn pediatrician?!?"

"Your son's condition requires more attention than our practice cares to take on. I doubt if you find anyone who would be willing to take him on. Your son's main diagnosis is Failure To Thrive. Your son is considered terminal. You need to call the closest Pallative practice." The nurse told me, annoyed. 

I hung up immediately. I was dumbfounded. I had been rejected many times in my life, but never as painful as this time. I have been accused of living in my own little world, not really seeing normal reality. Which is correct, up to that moment, I never even considered that my son wouldn't live. 

My sadness over being rejected was quickly replaced with the question, "What the hell was I going to do?"

Pants "crashed" the next day so we went back to the hospital. Once his staff got him stable and he fell asleep, I told his nurse about my rejections. 

The next morning, a woman walked in and introduced herself as Dr. Cathy and she jokingly announced she wanted my baby. She was funny and loud and I couldn't help but fall in love with her. She was a pediatrician for the hospital's Pallative team. 

She and her team quickly became a part of our family. They kept me sane. They loved Pants. When I found myself sitting across from Pant's cardiac surgeon to discuss his second heart surgery, Dr. Cathy was with me, pacing the room, holding Pants, giving me encouraging looks when my voice would quiver. 

It has taken me many years to embrace rejection, to see it as an opportunity for some thing great. 

Rejection kicks your ass and makes you close your eyes and heart, never wanting to feel that kind of pain. Let yourself feel that and then stand up with your heart  wide open knowing that rejection was the beginning of a beautiful, new situation.